Here at dealchecker, we have a secret that we’ve yet to share with you all. Each Sunday morning at 5am we gather in the boardroom to pray to Beyoncé; to ask her for humbleness and health; to call to her so that she may bring forth the best deals of the week. Sure, we may be travel experts, but that doesn’t mean we’re not below asking the Goddess of Holidays for some advice. We may get ourselves out there, but this is a woman who takes at least 14 holidays a year (which is probably why our Real Deals newsletter is doing so well at the moment).
She may have beyn-oncé around the world already, and now with so many holidays under her belt, we may as well be calling her beytwicé. So if you expect to catch her before her next flight, don’t bother. She’s already begoncé! But if you do feel like trying to keep up with her holiday antics then mama, we’re here to help Upgrade U.
For Mr Beyoncé’s birthday, the Queen Bey Clan brought pure fire to the land of ice and fire as they dipped into some of Iceland‘s steaming hot springs. Later, when they looked up at the sky and saw the Green Light of the Aurora Borealis, they believed the moment to be Irreplaceable. However, as the dancing lights got brighter, Bey put on her shades and thought as she rubbed her abused corneas: damn, Pretty Hurts. That’s right – Iceland is so shimmeringly beautiful that it’s enough to offend even Beyoncé’s eyes.
We love that even when Beyoncé’s on holiday in one of her favourite Italian spots, she still makes time to check the dealchecker Real Deals, which are emailed to our subscribers every Wednesday AM. That’s why we valorise this queen so much – even when on holiday she’ll still be researching where to go next. However, Sardinia‘s gnarly hinterland of limestone cliffs, oak forests and alluring seascapes is enough to set any holidaying heart ablaze. Or in this case, as Yoncé jumped from her 30ft yacht into the Sardinian sea, the island may have just made her Drunk In Love.
“Driver, roll up the partition please”, Beyoncé said as she drove into Havana. She’d spilled coconut water all over her best blouse, but that didn’t seem to ruin her holiday. As her hubby brandished a cigar the size of a Rocket in the pastel-coloured streets, he began to cough and splutter, spitting out the brown tobacco into his palm. It was at this point that Bey considered the Cuban cigar the Best Thing She’d Never Had. Well, they’re not for everyone. But The Havana Cathedral certainly is! The pair walked around the theatrical baroque building for hours, deeming it ‘Flawless’.
Oh my Gaudi! I can’t believe Bey was in one of our favourite locations! A great way to spend a weekend is to lay down the towel for a couple of days at one of Barcelona‘s beaches, and you can often get there for less than the price of a train ticket. We’re sure that Bey got the best deal too, as she no doubt stayed in a hotel with a TripAdvisor Certificate of Excellence. Sun, sea and Gaudi – nice one, Bey. We’re sure you dealcheck-checked up on it (watch me as I dealcheck up on it).
For this trip, Bey really put her Love On Top. By that we mean, she abandoned her husband and child for the evening in favour of pizza. Then, reluctantly piggy-backing her child as she bore a bloated belly (yet glowing perfectly as she did so), they headed for Florence‘s Piazza della Republicca where they rode the carousel. Unfortunately, Bey’s Freakum Dress got caught on one of the mechanical horses, so she called Jay for back-up on her Video Phone.
Clambering onto the Eurostar, with suitcases as big as their friend Kanye’s Ego, Bey and her underlings were headed for Paris. Halfway through the journey, all of the toilets but one began to malfunction. Having boarded the train full of champagne and Suga Mama and with nowhere to void it, Bey began to Ring The Alarm. “Yes, miss?” the conductor asked. “I need to use this toilet” replied Bey aristocratically. “But, miss this toilet is specifically for men.” “Agh. If I Were A Boy…” she pontificated. Stepping off the train into Paris, Bey certainly marked her territory on the city of love.
Bey, Jay and baby Blue headed over to the Dominican Republic to celebrate the couple’s wedding anniversary. Smart timing too! It’s a little known fact that Jay-Z and Beyoncé made sure that their anniversary would coincide with the Dominican’s Republic high season – which lasts from December to February. As they landed into an optimally sunny DR, Bey suddenly had some Deja Vu. She had a flashback to years before when she was one of the Single Ladies; the days when she dealchecked alone. Now, staring out into the Caribbean setting sun, she asks herself “Who Runs The World?”. With her hand on her chest, she took in a deep breath and said “Me… But with a little help with dealchecker, of course.”
Cover Image: Image © Kevin Edwards / Wikimedia Commons