Once upon a time, Playa d’en Bossa wasn’t much more than a place to bring a bucket and spade, but it’s since been re established as a world-renowned clubbing hotbed. And now there are plenty more reasons to pay a visit, most of which we’ll be cramming into a 24-hour trip. Let’s get going!

Photo by Andrey Bayda

12pm

So you’ve landed in Playa d’en Bossa. Welcome! The plane was sweaty and you had to endure the in-flight entertainment, which was Herbie Fully Loaded or something similarly unbearable – so what you need is a shower! In fact, what you really need is to make like Herbie and get fully…unsweaty! Go check into your hotel – we suggest the Grand Palladium. It’s right on the beach and the power shower in your room should be enough to wash the shame away.

2pm

Ok, so deciding to research Herbie Fully Loaded conspiracy theories (with your complimentary Wi-Fi) after your shower may have set you back an hour. That’s alright though, we understand. Now’s time to make like Herbie and get fully exploring! Did you know you’re on the biggest beach in the island?! Go get a bike from Isla Park and have a little wander. To your right there’s a big blue thing which some people call ‘the sea’ and to the left there’s restaurants, bars, resorts, tourists, locals, palm trees, Herbie, shops, wait – go back. What was that?

3pm

Tummy’s rumbling after all that, let’s go get a late lunch. There’s a mighty good Mexican place by you – go check out Can Burrito, there are some soft burrito babies just waiting to be demolished. You’ve got a lot to pack in so we’re gonna get this to takeaway.  And whilst we’re at it, you’re on holiday – so get that extra guacamole that you always deny yourself at home! We fully encourage the guac.

3:10pm

Burrito locked and loaded, let’s get your baby onto the bus! Everybody knows that one of life’s greatest pleasures is eating on public transport, and burritos are basically made to be spilled down your clothes anyway. Next stop: Aguamar Water Park!

 

3:40pm

With beautiful beef and salsa down your top, you’ll be glad of the stain-shaped artifact left by that glorious burrito. Time to bare your gorgeous belly though, and get into the pool! The park has several slides to get a lovely pressure-induced wedgie, and have your Speedos tighten on the fast flumes. You can spend a good couple of hours here and have a lounge about on a sunbed whilst you’re at it.

6pm

Speedos fully wedged, skin resembling the kind of fruit your nan eats, it’s probably time to head back. You’re going to paint the town red tonight, son – or whatever it is you kids say these days – so you need to get spruced up (people stopped saying ‘spruced up’ in the 1920s, didn’t they?) So head back to your hotel room and spend a good hour on your hair, face, body-oddy-oddy…

7pm

Damn! Someone’s looking good! (It’s me.) You look good too though, I’d maybe even want to kiss your face a bit after a few drinks. Time to head out and show the world of Playa d’en Bossa that adorable lil’ face too! You’ve got a big night ahead of you so getting some good grub beforehand is essential. Let’s head to Atlantida Beach for dinner. It’s a nice seafood joint spread right before the sea so you can be sure that what you’re eating was literally sourced from right in front of you. You may even be in for one of the best paellas of your life, too.

[Photo by Artesia Wells – Shutterstock]

8pm

Stay put! You’re going to want to start the cocktails off here. The day is dipping into twilight, the sky is becoming lilac, the colours of the sea and sand are becoming muted, the people around you are beginning to get tipsy. Atlantida Beach does some delicious sugar-rimmed mojitoes and is an apt accompaniment for watching the day get quiet as the people get louder. It’s well worth staying put for the next hour to see the blazing pageant of a red sunset over the waves.

9pm

Take a ten-minute taxi to Tantra – the reliable hot spot for pre-party shenanigans. Drinks are cheap so it’s worth getting as squiggly as you need to here before heading out onto the expensive strip. It’s a good midway between the languidness of the beach and the rollicking antics of the Ibizan clubs. On occasion, if you’re particularly lucky, big-name DJs who will later be playing at the big-name clubs will perform an intimate, warm-up set here.

10:30pm

A few drinks down and you’re somewhere in-between talking slightly inappropriately to strangers and screaming Britney Spears songs down the street. Time to take it to the club. First stop on the strip is DC-10! This club which specialises in underground techno music is set in a converted finca and provides an inimitable nightlife experience. It’s sort of become a rite of passage for clubbers from around the globe, and the people are here for the music first and foremost.

1am

You danced, you jived, you were having the time of your life. Onwards, dancing queen! We’re taking your smooth moves across the promenade to  Ushuaïa. You can easily spend the rest of the night here as you bask in the company of some of the biggest names in electronica. Set in the opulent Ushuaïa Ibiza Tower, this really is an experience for the clubbing elite – and for one night only – you can pretend to be just that.

4am

We won’t discuss what happened in those three hours because we’ll be filling our mouths with kebabs instead. Head over to Kebab Star where you’ll be, and imagine this in my best cockney accent: “sorted right owt, mate.” They serve up some standard late night munchies which will be much needed after everything you got up to tonight.

4:30am

That’s the kebab craving sated, and you’ve still got a little more dance left in you – time for the last roost of the night! Dab your way over to Bora Bora Beach Club, where post-partying hankerings are fulfilled. They’re open past dawn, and will see you through to the late AM when beach-goers begin to flock together again.

6am

The sun, along with all the tourists and their big bellies have come out to play again. Time for a quick nap in your hotel room before your flight home.

11am

Your 24 hours in Playa d’en Bossa are over! You ate, you played, you splashed, you danced, you got fully loaded. I think it was a great techno DJ who once said, “parting is such sweet sorrow”, and as the palm trees decrease in size as you skid away, you’re in an agreement. Ah well, there’s always the in-flight entertainment to look forward to. I wonder what it’ll be this time…